All I could come up with is to love her
by Lara Cox
Summary: More retches. More forced cough from the bathroom.I can't listen anymore The precidency affected Mac in a way nobody saw coming. Rod's point of view.


**Author's note: **Hi! this is another short story I came up with. believe it or not… it's inspired in Mac's eating habits… remember when she ate a whole muffing and then stole Amy's? And when she ate Amy's Halloween candies? And what about when she bought 8 boxes of cookies "for the kids" but her face indicated that were for her? Well… my twisted mind came up with this fic as an explanation for those things…

**Warnings:** It makes reference to "State of the Unions" and it takes place somewhere in the middle of that episode… but this I hadn't been able to see it yet, so… I'm not respecting all that happened there.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Commander in Chief…. But I do own a big anxiety and huge rage because "States of The Union" won't air in my country until May.

All I could come with is to love her… 

Another retch. Some more forced cough. The (now very familiar) sound of someone throwing up one more time. And after that: uncontrollable sobs. Then more coughing, more retch and more vomiting…. and I can't take it anymore. I walk away from the locked bathroom door with tears threatening to fall from my eyes… I no longer can stay outside the bathroom hearing my wife hurting herself… This is so much more than I can take.

It started as such a little thing…. Just some regular "complaining-about-getting-fat-but-eating-anyway" that all women do… then some compulsive eating of our youngest daughter's junk food in moments of big anxiety… I still can't believe I didn't see coming what was to follow. Deep down, I think no one could have seen this coming. Suddenly, eating compulsively unhealthy food became her way of dealing with the incredibly tension and stress that comes with presidency. Some muffins the day of her first Summit became a jar full of candies last Halloween (during the terrorist threats) and those candies became 8 boxes of cookies when the Air Force One was taken hostage.

I noticed then that something weird was going on… because even with all her compulsive eating she still hadn't put on a pound in her three months in the presidency. But I was in denial… I couldn't accept what I already suspected Mac was doing…

I still can believe things went so far… What started months ago as a small problem turned quickly into a middle size nightmare and is now a living hell. First she dropped a little weight, then some more, and then so much more. One day I could hear her in the bathroom and all I suspected was confirmed.

I knew and yet I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything, because I didn't know where to start. I wanted to help her, I wanted her to stop hurting her self like that but I didn't knew what to do…

I wanted to confront her and talk some sense into her… to tell her that I was there for her… to tell her what a beautiful amazing woman she is… I wanted to find a good way to fix all this, but all I could come up with was just to love her, to give her all my love… now more than ever. How could that be? I'm supposed to be smart… and that's all I could come up with?

Before I could even begin to think of something better…. it happened: The intern incident.

After we have a huge fight, Mac locks her self in the bathroom and I try to get her to come out but in a way I'm thankful that she doesn't. What else could I do? Where would I start? What could I tell her to make things better? She already knows the truth about the intern and me. That doesn't help. It doesn't make any difference the fact that I'm innocent. This scandal is still more than Mac can take.

More retches. More forced cough. More uncontrollable sobs. And I can't take it anymore.

I know this is bigger than the scandal… Mac it's been in a lot of pain before that and I have not idea how I can help her. What more can I tell her? That I love her more than anything? That I'm incredibly proud of her? That she doesn't have to be perfect? That she has to stop being so hard with her self because is ok for her to be human? Yes… I should tell her all those things… But right now I can't… I can't even stand being so close to the bathroom's locked door anymore. But I can't move either.

I hear more retches; more forced cough from the bathroom… I can't listen anymore…. but I can't move from where I am. My eyes suddenly fill with tears. I thank God that nobody is watching me cry. I collapse and sit on the floor with my back against the bathroom door.

I can't believe this is happening to Mac… She has always been such a strong woman… with a big brain, an amazing heart and a lot of confidence in her self. How could I not see how much she was suffering on the inside? All the huge responsibilities, all the stress, all the pressure that came with the Presidency (plus Mac's obsession with being perfect at everything she did) had affected her in a way no one thought possible.

That beautiful, brilliant and strong woman had now become a mess. And I can't cope with this anymore. I feel incredibly selfish, but as she is slowly killing herself, I simply can't cope with this situation. I can do what's necessary. It's too overwhelming. And I definitely can't hear anymore.

I know I have to help her… I know that this has gone too far. If this continues I may loose her.

But I'm aware that my thoughts and feelings for her cannot save her; nothing can. Only a miracle could bring my Mac back to normal.

Mackenzie is falling and I don't know how to catch her. I'm powerless to save her… or at least that's how I feel.

Suddenly no more retches; no more forced cough in the bathroom… there's only silence for a while. My heart stops for a second… fearing the worst. But then I heard that the bathroom door opening. I stand up immediately and step away from the door.

Mac comes out from the bathroom. She is trembling. She looks at me with her eyes wet. I notice that she is only wearing the presidential robe. She surprises me by taking it off… revealing she has nothing but her underwear under it. That's the most naked I've seen her in months and now I know why… I gasp in horror… she is so thin… no, not thin anymore, because that is not the word to describe her. She is skeletal, heartbreaking, devastating… those are the only words.

She notices my horror and breaks in tears… like it has just hit her what she's been doing. I rush to hold her… for once she allows her self to cry in my arms. I know what a big step was for her to allow me see her in this state. I just whisper in her ear….

Rod- it's ok baby… everything will be ok…

I want to giver her everything… I want to help her. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. So… while I hold her, the fear, the pessimisms, the confusion, the impotence I felt before are gone… now there is only my love for her and my determination to help her…

Yes, I know that right now she is seriously ill and eating disorders aren't easy to beat… but I also know that she can beat this… she can get cured… she IS going to get the help she needs and she is going to be ok again. I know she is gonna get better… I know I can help her, even when all I can come up with is to love her, to give her all my love… now more than ever.

The End 

What do you think? Please, send me some reviews….

Do you think I should write some other piece about this same topic? Maybe from some other character's point of view? Suggestions are welcome…

Lara


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